Housed in a magnificent church, complete with honey-coloured steeple and glinting stained glass, Zizzi Cheltenham commands kerb-appeal by the bucketload. The menu oozes with the sun-kissed flavours of the Mediterranean – brimming with hearty ingredients and homeley classics to get the tastebuds tingling. And, after a long walk from the nearest carpark with the temperature dropping to minus two, the Italian restaurant in Suffolk Square did indeed seem like a sanctuary.

Meeting a group of friends and family inside the vast dining room – including a grandmother huddled up with layers of generously donated coats – it was not the warm welcome we were hoping for, however. We asked if the door could be closed to stop the icy drafts which were howling across the restaurant, only to be met with a sneer and a simple ‘no’ from a stroppy member of staff who turned out to be a manager.

We asked if we could be moved – preferably to a table for eight, not the table for six that eight of us were squeezed onto. Another lip-curled ‘no’ with a ‘you should have booked sooner’ added with extra helpings of nonchalance. Ordinarily this alone would have been enough for mass mutiny, but as this was an (albeit hastily-booked) special celebration for another member of the group, no-one felt comfortable causing a ‘fuss’.

The starters were skipped, unsurprisingly – instead eight of us shared green olives and dough sticks while we waited for the main course to arrive – listening with agreement when three neighbouring tables also complained about the chilly temperatures, sardine-like spacing of the tables and cold shoulder they had been given by staff. The pack them high, sell them cheap ethos might work for cost-cutting supermarkets, we agreed, but like our fellow mid-market restaurant diners we were less than impressed by being herded in and hurried along.

When the food did arrive it was tepid, a problem put down to the chilly drafts making the single candle (and only source of heat) on our table flicker frantically. But a restaurant which specialises in Italian cuisine not managing to rustle up a mediocre margarita was quite frankly unforgivable – delivered to the table dry, burnt on the edges and with a cheese topping so paltry it was hardly worth bothering with.

The ‘mezzo y mezzo’ next to me didn’t fair much better either. An option selected for its uniqueness on paper it combined pepper, mushrooms, rocket, tomato and mozzarella on one half of the pizza and creamy potatoes, grana padano, and onion on the other. On the plate it was less intriguing, summarised as ‘tough as cardboard’ and requiring persistent sawing with a steak knife to cut.

My ‘pollo prosciutto’ could generously be described as average, meanwhile. Arriving on a plate smeared with greasy fingerprints, the chicken was dry despite swimming in oil, and lacked flavour, with the accompanying herb tossed potatoes and well-cooked green beans being the only redeeming features. The rest of the group were as nonplussed with their slapdash dishes, which we presumed had been left under a hot plate – ironic considering none had arrived anything more than luke warm.

By the time we were asked if everything was okay with our meal, it was time for a synchronised ‘no’ in response. Not wishing the rushed-off-his-feet-teenager serving us to bear the brunt of the complaints another manager was sought out – this time, one who at least took a few minutes to listen to our growing list of grievances.

He admitted that the restaurant was berated with complaints every Friday and Saturday by diners sat near the door, and that squeezing in as many covers as possible was probably the cause for such a disastrous night. While once again no apologies were made – and denying that a discount from the bill totalling almost £200 should perhaps be offered as an amends for the catalogue of complaints – the second manager did at least offer a glass of prosecco as a concession. One which sadly failed to drown our sorrows before we were hurried out into a sub-zero Suffolk Square almost as frosty as the service.

A venue popular with voucher-wielding diners in particular, Zizzi Cheltenham will no doubt continue to attract the crowds, but the cheapest of deals could not tempt SoGlos.com to make a return visit – thanks to a dining experience which could not have veered further from the Italian reputation for hearty cuisine, relaxed atmosphere and warm hospitality.

Michelle Byrne
8 March 2010